I was at Nan’s front door. Honestly, don’t remember how I got there. Knew I must’ve walked there cause my licence was, or I guess still is, suspended.  I just remember my neck being so crook and my head spinning like I just went through a whole pack of darts.

         Weirdest thing happened. Pulled the door open, but I couldn’t walk in. Like I just couldn’t, my brain turned off or something. Nan sees me at the door and says, “we don’t care that you’re ugly,” you expect to cop that from your Nan, but still, I couldn’t get inside. Dad chirps up with “ya late and already annoying us,” I reckon he got what he deserved. Still, my foot don’t wanna move. Eventually Nan goes, “please Mickey, come inside,” and all the sudden I can.  Weird right?

        Now this wasn’t an ideal start, I had to be on my a-game this dinner. My family hadn’t been too impressed with me since they found out I got the ‘rona vaccine. This was my opportunity to get back in their good books. 

       Then y’know, I’m sitting at the table, I’d given Nan her Bunnings voucher. Oh yeah, I must’ve fell over on the walk cause it was covered in mud. Anyways, boy, my head is spinning worse than a whole pack of darts now. Mate of mine told me this sorta thing happened to him cause he has low iron, but I just thought he was gay. But no, this shit’s no joke, I can barely look at one spot. My sister kept staring at me.

         You know bout my younger sister?

         Bit left of field Shaz, going through a phase we used to say. She never took any interest in me before, y’know what she says? She says, “how’d you get that pale,” I mean, fuck me, we hadn’t even said hello yet. Guess she was jealous I was more goth than her. Funny thing is, I don’t even remember being that pale.

         I realised what had probably happened. I must’ve taken a dexy on the walk. So I went to the bathroom, my family aren’t too keen on my recreational activities you see - I sorta got a history at family functions - but inside my wallet all the dexies were accounted for.  Now I’m freaking out truly, so I splash water on my face cause I saw it done in movies before, when I look in Nan’s mirror it all made sense. No reflection. I figured I was like one of those blokes in them Twilight books.

        I went back to my seat, totally out of it. I could just make out the conversation from the few words that reached me. A wiser man would’ve left right then but I knew I could win them over. I interrupted the family’s usual debate on whether NRL players were faking concussions with my story that I knew would kill. It was an anecdote from the jobsite, basically my mate Gav got an apprentice to test the electrical wiring by pissing on it. Funniest shit ever. I workshopped how I would tell it for a good week before the dinner so when I got to the punchline, I fucking nailed it. Got my whole family pissing themselves. As they were laughing the pizza arrived and everyone was so happy they’d forgotten my little vaccine indiscretion.

        So, we’re munching our Crust pizza, Nan used to cook roasts all the time but now her parkin-sons or whatever she called it had made her all cranky and not wanna cook. I couldn’t really taste the food or nothing. Like chewing on cardboard. All I could hear was this loud noise, it sounded like a train breaking down on the Mernda line over and over. I realised my cure right there and then. I tell ya, coulda called Nan, VB, cause I wanted that long-neck down my gullet. She was sitting a bee’s dick away from me and boy her fucken danglin throat was doing something filthy to my mind. Took me a lot of strength not to give her a hickey. 

       Right then, Uncle Baz cuts himself, he can barely eat with his hands but he heard people overseas eat pizza with a knife and fork, total dipstick. The sight of his blood though, got my rooster calling if you get what I mean. I stood up, wasn’t my choice, just my body’s. Everyone looked at me, cause who the fuck stands up with a stiffy when your uncle’s knicked himself. “I’ll get ya a tissue Baz,” I said. It was a good cover. 

       So they keep eating. I get him a tissue, but jeez I can barely stand up at this point. Got me stumbling round. Get to Baz and like my sense took over or something. I fucked off the tissue and sucked right on his thumb. And I mean I didn’t let go either. Is it them pitbulls with lockjaws?

        ‘Tis.’  

        So Willems could speak. I knew we weren’t gonna get along when he stepped in. His suit reeked of private school; he’d probably attended some sort of etiquette training just so he could endure spending time near fellas like me.

        Well it was like that then.

        I could tell he was disgusted with me. But fuck him. My own family thought I was a Greens voter or something. They’da been more pleased if I’d been back on Centrelink.

        I snapped out of it obviously. The damage was done already though, I swear there was more yelling than a MAFS episode. Worse than all my derro family screaming was Nan just bawling her eyes out, you’da thought Pauline Hanson had been shot. I couldn’t take it no more, I’d taken kicks in the nuts less painful than that. I left and sat in the toilet.

         God it was fucken awful in there. “Fuck my family,” I kept thinking. They’d treated me like shit for a while now. I don't know why I put up with them in the first place. On the other hand, I kept thinking about Baz’s bloody thumb and how I enjoyed it, so maybe they were right. It dawned on me then that the blood worked. The world wasn’t spinning any more. I figured I’d live the rest of my life going up and down my uncle’s calloused fingers till one of us died. It was too much for me to think about, so I crushed and snorted a dexy or two (maybe even three) and hoped that’d sort me out.

        The thing bout dexies is, they make ya focus. The thing my body chose to focus on was the smell of the bathroom. Now Nan hadn’t bought an air freshener since John Howard was prime minister so it shoulda smelt like a drop toilet. It didn’t. Smelt fucking mint. Better than mint. Smelt like brewery fresh Carlton or the first wicket of the Boxing Day Test -you know what I’m gettin at?

        ‘I can imagine.’        

I can imagine drowning Willems. First, he makes me bring up all this shit again and then he sits with his back against the wall as far away as possible with this smug look. It’s like he’d lose his “authority” if his thick chin pointed downwards for once in his privileged little life.

        I found where the smell was coming from - the waste bin. I really hoped Nan’s perfume had exploded or something in there, but that wasn’t the case. I saw it wrapped in toilet paper and knew it could only be one thing.

         At that moment, Mum starts knocking on the door. She was telling me how disappointed she was that I’m a “fairy” and how I shouldn’t take jobs round Fitzroy anymore. She kept banging on the door real hard and saying more shit but I zoned that all out. I had unwrapped the toilet paper. 

       Why the fuck did I have to tell this fancy pants cunt this? He already thinks less about salt of the earth blokes. All I was doing was reassuring that belief. Why doesn’t he say anything now? I’m sure his assistant writes up “assiduous” reports and passes them over in manilla envelopes while they drink Aperol Spritz with their pinkies up. He should know what happens next. He just wants me to say it as part of some humiliation ritual. Fuck it, I’ll just say it.

   I sucked on Shaz’s tampon.

   

   Nothing to say huh?

   It was incredible. I’d do it again. Happy now?

   ‘I’m here to help you, Michael.’

    Bullshit.

     ‘Please proceed.’ 

     Fine. Well, Mum knocked harder and harder. I didn’t realise this cause I was loving life treating my sister’s “hygiene product” like a Cyclone icy-pole. Mum knocked so hard that the lock came loose, and she opened the door. 

       Baz, Gaz, even Waz saw me. Worse than that, Mum, Dad and Shaz watched. I didn’t notice they were looking till I had finished, I was too into it. It felt like smoking down my first cone, I was totally high - even got cotton mouth.

        No one said a word. I knew what had to happen, I brushed by them and headed for the door. As I was about to leave Nan spoke up from the table, she was the only one that didn’t see it. “I accept you Michael,” she said. I froze immediately. “It’s okay if you’re not like us, you’re family,” she added.

        Jesus. That got me.

        I sat back down. Nan then touchingly explained how she once had a gay physio who she barely disliked. So I thought maybe everything would be okay. The rest of the family were shellshocked by the toilet. Seeing me close to Nan made Mum spring into action. She came over and started yelling and pointing at the bathroom. I just started making loud noises so Nan couldn’t understand what Mum was explaining. She’d go, “we just caught him sucking on-” and I’d go, “BOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.” 

       ‘Must you be so loud?’

        Jeez, I thought Willems would appreciate my performance.

        Anyway, my tactic was working. Nan was getting more and more confused as it went on. Then Dad clocked me in the face. I wasn’t expecting counter tactics. When I got up from the floor Nan knew everything. Shaz was crying right by Nan so that she’d have to take her side and I’d look like the bad guy. I gave Nan a smile, trying to make her remember how she was so accepting of me and that I’m her own blood and all that. She called me something that I don’t think can be repeated. 

       So that’s that.

       I don’t know why Willems is looking at me so wide-eyed. That was the story and that was the end.

       ‘You must go on.’

        That’s when I killed them all.

        ‘Oh.’

        Why was he thinking so long? He doesn’t need to come up with some dodgy loophole, I am an honest bloke who did a thing that we all probably would’ve done. It was nice actually, it got me enough blood to drink for weeks. I got to know which types were my favourite. I figured if this all worked out I could be a “sommelier” for it. Then I could spill wine glasses of it all over smarmy shit cunts like Willems and laugh while they complain about dry cleaning and their oh so important meetings. Oh shit, here he goes…

        ‘We’ll plead insanity.’