Anyone remember Gareth Edwards’ Godzilla film from 2014? If you remember anything from it it’s probably Juliette Binoche’s death early in the film. There’s a nuclear reactor breach and she runs under the red flashing alarm away from the smoke that ends up consuming her while Bryan Cranston, her husband, has to watch her die from the other side of a secure door. It’s a good scene so good in fact when making his newest film, Jurassic World Rebirth, Gareth Edwards thought he would just recreate that scene. It begins with morally bankrupt scientists entering a biochemically engineered dinosaur’s lab area. We see the two-key system and get some repartee with the girl scientist on the other side. Before we know it Godzilla 2014 is happening right in front of us. The girl doesn’t twist the key to let the scientist out, he gets killed by a mutant dinosaur right before our eyes. It’s a rehash. Even down to the red lighting, the smoke and the hazmat suits. Total artistic bankruptcy.

 

*Scientist drops Snickers™ wrapper into a vent*

 

A rehash is the nicest way of describing this film. There is nothing interesting going on in the slightest. You’ve seen the story beats before, you’ve seen the impressive CGI before, you’ve seen these characters all before. Truly there is nothing interesting about this film. 

 

*Jonathan Bailey cracks open an altoids™ mint tin*

 

It starts with the characters, if you could even call them that. Scarlett Johansson is a mercenary for hire, Rupert Friend is the evil corporate guy who organises the assignment, Jonathan Bailey is the nerdy scientist, Mahershala Ali is suave ship captain, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo is the father unsure of his daughter’s boyfriend, and so on and so on. I got so bored writing that sentence that I didn’t even want to mention the other lifeless characters you are stuck with for two hours and fifteen minutes. You have no way of empathising with all these people and the film puts no work into these characters. Most get an introduction scene where they tell the audience their job and that’s that. I couldn’t even tell you any of their names. The only thing I think they really achieve is making the runtime feel five hours longer.

 

*Audriana Miranda eats some red vines™*

 

Scarlett Johansson’s character, Mahershala Ali’s and a few others are all on this adventure for the money. I think method acting has gone too far. Don’t get me wrong, the script’s dialogue is bad and the characterisation is non-existent but still, every actor delivers their lines like they’re reading them for the first time. It’s a complete pisstake.

 

*David Iacono nervously consumes MnMs™*

 

The script is totally non-functional too. The most emblematic scene of this whole film is when Jonathan Bailey hugs the foot of a Titanosaurus. As cries at its beauty John William’s original score kicks in. Here’s the thing, in the film Jonathan Bailey’s character has seen dinosaurs in real life before (much like we’ve seen this exact movie and movie moment countless times already), he worked at the theme park and under Alan Grant. We are literally just told that this moment is beautiful and profound but it isn’t and we have no reason to care and it doesn’t even make sense.

 

*Lab’s petrol station is conveniently stocked with your branded chocolates and lollies*

 

If the script is not drowning us in unearned nostalgia it is not functioning as it should from a structural standpoint. There’s a sequence where the family encounter a T-rex and have to use a lifeboat to escape down some rapids. Seems pretty simple really, there’s a goal and obstacle clearly in that description. At the end of the sequence the family are totally fine, the lifeboat pops up undamaged, nothing changed. Nothing was learned. Nothing new happened. Nothing. A totally pointless scene just there because why not (kinda like this film).

 

*Audriana Miranda hides by Dr. Pepper™ display*

 

Jurassic Park is a steak cooked by a great chef. Jurassic World is like a steak you heat up the next day that you need lots of tomato sauce to get down. Jurassic World Rebirth is like a steak that you left in the fridge for weeks and for some reason you feel obligated to eat the one part without mould on it. Guess what, it tastes like shit. The mouldless part might look like the original but your other senses could barely differentiate it from horse shit.

 

*Family unit take cover in Lays™ chips aisle*

 

And if you couldn’t understand it by now, the film (and I guess this review now?) has so many sponsorships behind it it’s not even funny. I guess Chat GPT is still learning the subtleties of  product placement or someone has just fed it Wayne’s World.